The Parents' Code of Conduct.......

I have known Bill since I was 14, and with the exception of a couple of years, have been with him ever since. First my buddy, then my boyfriend, and then marriage, and all of the benefits that go along with that......parenthood being one of those benefits.

And three children later, we can see we are partners in yet another sense of the word: prisoners of war; and the only other prisoners held captive as long as we have been are those who were held in Stalin's gulags. The Greenway Gulag. I like it.

Our captors? Our children.

The Code of Conduct was instilled in me long ago by the unsmiling faces and tyranny of my drill sergeants. The Parents' Code of Conduct is one that I have earned the right to abide by.

1) I am an American, fighting in the forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense.

Parents: I am a parent, fighting an uphill battle with the little people, whom I will never understand. I was NOT prepared to give my life (or my sanity,) but it appears that I will.

2) I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist.

Parents: I will never surrender of my own free will--I no longer have one. I WILL surrender the members of my command to Grandma, if just for an hour of peace.

3) If I am captured, I will continue to resist by all means available. I will make every attempt to escape and help others to escape. I will accept neither parole nor special favors from the enemy.

Parents: I'm already captured, and I've been here for 15 years. Resisting by all means available is up to and including the use of duct tape and crazy glue: duct tape to bind their hands and feet--not to mention shut them up; crazy glue to attach them firmly to the ceiling. I escape every chance I get-- usually to go to the grocery store. I will take special favors any way I can get them.

4) If I become a prisoner of war, I will keep faith with my fellow prisoners. I will give no information or take part in any action which might be harmful to my comrades. If I am senior, I will take command. If not, I will obey the lawful orders of those appointed over me and will back them up in every way.

Parents: I AM a prisoner of war. I will keep faith with Bill. But I will throw him under the bus for every sanction we attempt to impose on our captors when they cry 'foul'--I don't give a damn if he's my comrade or not. I'm senior....but I relinquish command when Daddy gets home. I will obey his lawful order of 'go get the paddle' and will drag the offending child--kicking and screaming--to their just reward.

5) When questioned, should I become a prisoner of war, I am required to give name, rank, service number, and date of birth. I will evade answering further questions to the utmost of my ability. I will make no oral or written statements disloyal to my country and its allies or harmful to their cause.

Parents: When questioned, now that I am a prisoner of war, I give only, "Because I said so." I will evade answering further questions because it pisses them off. My oral statement: "You just wait until your father gets home....." disloyal to all parties involved--to my captors, for obvious reasons. Disloyal to Bill for obvious reasons, too: let HIM deal with them for awhile.

6) I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America.

Parents: I will never forget I am a parent--(how could I? They're waging WWIII upstairs) fighting for peace of mind and therefore not responsible for my actions, dedicated to whatever will get me an hour alone with a good book and a hot bath. I will trust in my God--actually beg him down on my knees--to please move the clock a little faster: bedtime is at 9:00.