I AM LEO!! HEAR ME......meow......

I had a very interesting, very long, and, at times, very heated conversation with my father the other night. And the conversation was about yours truly, and the way I 'come across' to others. It was very eye-opening on my part........I never would have thought that I can come across as less than benevolent; and while I admit I was hotter than a two dollar pistol at the end of the conversation, now I am grateful for it. I find myself jerking the reins in and pulling on the bit just a little harder before I launch into a reaction.

And then......a few nights later, I spent an evening with Becca, who loves me dearly in spite of my less-than-congenial-sometimes personality (not that Daddy doesn't--he does.) We got together to watch our high school loves--Duran Duran!!--and as we poured into the JUST RELEASED!! DVD, we just HAD to go through the literature that always comes with those things. And she was reading aloud the liner notes while we were making big plates of yummy Chinese food. Long story short, when she was reading the descriptions of the band members--written by themselves--she came to the following about Roger Taylor: "Stubborn and insecure......typical Taurean."

Typical what?? Oh, yes, Taurus, astrology--screw it--let's watch this thing!!

But fiddling around tonight on the web, I decided to look up Taurus, just for shits and giggles.

While I was at it, I figured: why don't I look up Leo? And that's all I knew--that I'm a Leo.

I read with fascination and then dawning horror: my God. THIS is me??

I realized, when I was very honest with myself........it IS me. Now, I'm not going to go running to read my horoscope every morning to see what 'house' I'm in, or what planet I'm aligned with this week, or what my sun is rising through, or any of that other happy astrological horseshit (and see, there I go!!) but it was, like the conversation with my father........revealing.

Daddy--grasping for the right word, and words failing him--had described my personality as sometimes........condescending. Now--he didn't MEAN it like that, but I was apparently having a Leo moment ('How dare you find fault with me??') and went roaring like the lion that I am. I went off with my bad self--and with my Daddy.

Not that all was bad with what I read of Leo:

Light side--Leos are generous, warm-hearted, creative, enthusiastic, broad-minded, expansive, faithful and loving. (And yes, I think it is fair to call me all of the above, for the most part.)

Dark side--Pompous, patronizing, bossy, interfering, dogmatic and intolerant. (Uh-oh. I think I see me there, too.) When you put it in THOSE words......

I had always seen it as having a take-no-prisoners attitude. We're not going to look for the problem--we're going to hunt it down and shoot it. Lead, follow, or get the hell outta my way. I've got this......stand aside. Theres' a method to MY madness--and there's not one to yours. Or, as my boss will say, "Uh-oh!! She's on a mission!!"--that's right. And get on the strike force or stand down.

So, perhaps this is something of an apology from me, if you are reading this and have ever felt like you got bit by the lion. Or burned by the fire--the sun being my planet and fire being my element, LOL.

I don't mean to be any of the above--not condescending, not pompous, etc. I like to think I relate well to others. But I have come to realize that I don't--I will listen to your problems, but I don't relate. Immediately, in my mind, I start analyzing a way to fix it. And sometimes.....it's not something that the speaker wants 'fixed'. They're only venting--something I should understand, since I vent on a daily basis. This blog is PROOF of my desire to vent.

Underneath all the bluster--under the lion's exterior is a kitty cat. While I will swell up in self-righteous indignation and scream bloody murder to anyone who will listen about those who have found fault with me--inside, I am cut to the core. And it's not because someone found fault with me--I ridicule those who hurt me so others won't see just HOW hurt I am. I'm not cut to the core with the criticism. Unfortunately (and honestly) I'm not always exactly hurt because I let YOU down--I'm hurt because I let ME down. I take failure very, very personally. And I promise--the way I beat myself up hurts MUCH more than when others do it. When I screw up, and when someone lets me in on that screw up, even while I am in the midst of full-blown, purple-faced hissy fit, there is a little girl inside wondering what can I possibly do to make this situation right? I don't do the right thing--apologize, acknowledge my failures.......I go right to seeing what did I do? What CAN I do?.........and go running off to hunt the problem down and shoot it. And that is NOT what is called for, once the proverbial damage has been done.

Reading back over this tells me a couple of things--one: I need to learn to accept criticism for my failures with a little more good grace. I'm not the first person who has screwed up, I won't be the last, and I daresay my failures are not the worst failures ever committed. Two: I need to quit trying so hard; and I need to quit setting such impossibly high standards for myself. My standards for me--with rare exception--is perfection. Anything less simply will not do. One of the things I need to quit trying so hard in is trying to make people like me--when I think real hard about it, when I try to make someone like me, all I succeed in doing is alienating them, and that is the LAST thing I ever want to do. (My father-in-law aside.) When I think even harder, I can pretty honestly say that with the exception of my father-in-law, and, (sadly)--my stepmother.........I don't think I have to work hard at all to make people like me. I really think that most people do find me likeable. I could be wrong--but I don't think so. (Correct me if I am, readers.) I'd be lying if I said I have regret about the resentment my father in law has for me--God knows, I have tried to prove myself to be the type of person who is good enough for his son, in more ways than one. I am finally learning to let go of the hope that this will ever happen, and I've finally realized that it is no fault of mine. My stepmother.......I DO, in fact, regret not having made a better relationship with her, and I am trying to find a way to fix this (co-dependency dies hard)--partly because I screwed it up, and I screwed it up big time; partly because I do owe her for taking such good care of my Dad. When I become angry--and here the lion reference comes in--I don't just verbalize the way I feel........I go for the throat.

So, my friends and family.......an apology from me; no, not just an apology: I am SORRY for things I have done to cause pain, and I am sorry that I come across as less than--for lack of a better word--sweet. Believe it or not--I am deeply disappointed when I fail the ones I love; and to Misty--I have probably been a pain in the ass over the course of this wedding planning. When I do something, though--I aim high. I dream big, and I dream in living color. When I get an idea about something--I don't nurture it; I don't 'expand' on it--it explodes, and it takes me up in the fireball. I don't understand it when others don't 'catch' my passion and zeal when I throw myself into something--and that's what I do. I THROW myself into things. I give it blood, sweat, and tears.........and it's because when I want something--either for myself or for someone else--I want it badly. And mediocrity is NOT something I aspire to.

On a lighter note, and in closing.........back to Roger Taylor and the typical Taurean.........I was bitterly disappointed to find out that Roger Taylor the Taurus, and me the Leo would be, astrologically speaking, a match made in Hell. His 'house of love'--or whatever--resides in Venus.........

.........mine resides in Uranus. I'm not EVEN going to go there, the irony is just too laughable...........except to say: when someone has pissed me off--it is a GREAT love of mine to stick it in and break it off in.......er, Uranus.