Black sheep

Everyone has a black sheep in their family. In my family, that would definitely be me.

I have struggled with this blog for days--over a week, easily. This is my little spot where I can be completely and totally honest with myself and others. I don't want to come across sounding bitter and angry, because there's already been enough of that in this matter. And the truth of the matter is, most of the biterness and anger has been on my part. (That's also not to say I'm not still bitter and angry--I am still very bitter....but the anger has turned to defiance.)

Defiance....not one of my finer qualities. Bitch is another one. People need to realize that calling a woman a 'bitch' doesn't even hurt anymore. It's a badge of honor. It means I'm not going to put up with anyone's bullshit. If I think something's not right--you can bet I'll call you on it. The way I call you on it depends entirely on the way the offender has treated me in the past. I have tact. Sometimes, I can show a great deal of it.

Other times, I will show my entire Morgan ass--and it's big and ugly.

And here goes the honesty--my thoughts and feelings; proceed with caution.

Let us start with this: a couple of weeks ago, my stepniece (whom my father insists has NO idea who I am) messaged me on Facebook with some very interesting things to say. Very interesting vocabulary and sentiments from a nine year old. I'm not saying someone put her up to doing it, what I am saying is--she heard this from an adult, and kids, God love 'em, will say exactly what they have heard.

My first reaction was this--there is no way on Earth or in Heaven my father would have tolerated that from my sister or I. We would have needed a dentist, if we weren't buried in the backyard for it.

The argument from Dad and Dorothy--she doesn't even know who you are. Oh, really? So--I'm to believe that 1) my stepsister allowed her to become 'friends' with someone--an adult--with absolutely NO explanation as to who I was; and 2) Not only would the child talk to an adult like that, but a complete stranger, too?

Does anyone smell shit yet?

My father once told me I'd be a GREAT lawyer. Because I can catch someone shoveling crap, and damn if I won't question it. My father and I had a very heated argument. I got a double dose of temper. My stepsister then messaged my daughter with a message I didn't like at all--and I heatedly called my father and told him to tell his stepdaughter to keep her f****** mouth shut to my kids.

I admit--that was an overreaction. I am in no way claiming to be perfect here.

I asked my father's forgiveness. Publicly. He said that he, of course, forgave me, and I would never stop being his daughter. But that there were two other people that I needed to ask forgiveness of.

I never spoke a word to Dorothy or Sonica. Not one. And....to back up a little here, I've been more than a little galled by the following:

Dorothy is 'friends' on Facebook with my Dad. Her daughter. Her granddaughter, my sister, and my kids....

But not me. She blocked me, and it hasn't been just since this argument. She has never allowed me to be among her 'friends'.

So, I have no way of apologizing to Dorothy, other than to do it on Dad's page where she is sure to see it--I'm sure she has. I have called Dad.......and at first, he told me to give it a week, and I mighthave to eat some crow. Okay. A week became two or three. And now two or three has become, "Maybe you two can sit down and talk at the family reunion....."

The family reunion is in July.

Now, I ask--if someone doesn't want to talk to me until July, that tells me that they're hoping I'll forget all about it; and that she doesn't want to talk to me, not now, and yeah--not ever. Would that not say the same to my readers here?

I'm a pretty black or white kind of person. I see that my Dad and my sister have their place in her heart. I don't. And neither my Dad or my sister are willing to plead my case to her because they don't want to rock the boat (I'll rock the boat. I'll turn that son of a bitch over.)

I admit here--I want my Dad to intervene on my behalf. I want my sister to do it, too......because they are the only way I have of reaching out to her. She will not speak at all to me. There's nothing I can do. Dad's the one who told me I have to apologize--and now she refuses to accept it.

There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it like it is: being the black or white person I am--their attitudes and their refusal to intervene for me spells betrayal. I understand that Dad has to keep the peace with her--she is, after all, his wife. My sister's continuation of any sort of relationship with her hurts like hell.

On this note I will end it: she wants me to wait until July to speak to me. Which to me says, "You can stew in it until then." I am going to do my level best not to stew in it another minute. And I've got SUCH news for everyone concerned--she wants to wait until July.........and she'll keep right on waiting. Because I'll be damned if I go crawling to her for anything after she has time and again spurned my attempts at making things right. She can take her forgiveness and shove it up her ass--because that's sure as hell where I'll put my apologies.